"You forgot to get skim milk in my coffee??"

"You forgot to get skim milk in my coffee??"

Dear Julian,

I know we’ve never met, but since you live across the street from me, I feel as if I know you. I don’t mean to seem stalker-ish, but it’s hard not to pay attention to you since I hear your name every other day. Remember that time a few weeks ago when you and your dad went out to a café early Saturday morning while I was trying to sleep? No? Well, I do. Your mommy decided to yell her order to you and your daddy even though you were both halfway down the block. Why she didn’t do this while you were still inside is beyond me. Did you make sure to pick up that iced coffee?

But seriously, it must be nice having the run of a whole brownstone as a five-year-old. I understand it must suck not having a full yard to play in, but you are just a few blocks away from the largest park in Brooklyn. You should ask your mom to take you there sometime. By the way, is she scared of leaving the stoop? I can’t quite figure out why she screams at you from the front door all the time. You should tell her that in Park Slope, people don’t get mugged just because they’re out on the sidewalk. And unfortunately, this isn’t the suburbs. Our buildings are not separated by full yards, so, yes, everything she shouts outside the apartment becomes all of our business.

It seems like your little sister is growing up quickly too! I see and hear her running around more and more these days. Since your mother hasn’t quite mastered the concept of the “indoor voice,” you should become a big brother role model and teach her that when she is outside, she shouldn’t shriek and disturb the whole street. I know how exciting is it to take out the trash with daddy, but I’d prefer not to hear about while I’m catching up on “Mad Men.”

Anyways, I hope you had a nice Labor Day weekend! Are you starting school soon? You must be excited. I’m sure I’ll hear about it if you ever leave your lunch on the counter.

Ever cordial,

Your friendly neighbor